Note: A special thanks goes out to Lunascape guru Yuki Sekiguchi, whose insightful response to Friday’s post inspired many of “browser-ette number one’s” answers. With that said, we now return you to (Our Fair Use Parody of) The Dating Game, already in progress.

Me: What do you feel is your biggest asset?

Lunascape: I am one of the only browsers available today that is geared toward advanced users. And what is it that most advanced users want? Customization. Want to use WebKit for the Apple website and Gecko for your online banking? Great. Want to write scripts? I welcome it. Want to edit the menu? Whatever makes you happy.

Flock: My learning curve is as close to “zero” as humanly possible. Think about it for a second: Anyone who has even thought about using me has used Firefox at least once in their lives. You already know what to do and how to do it. All I do is “mix things up a bit” by bringing along a few friends. You know … Facebook, Twitter, Blogspot … perhaps you’ve heard of them.

AOL Desktop: I’m made for the “common man.” So-called “normal people” don’t need things like script implementation or built-in Twitter access. All they want are their websites, their AOL branded services, and all of their favorite Time-Warner information portals.

Me: You still have access to Time-Warner sites? I thought you two -

AOL Desktop: The divorce is painful, but we’ve managed to remain friends.

Me: Ah … Good to know. Browser-ette number one, why are your “large” icons so massively huge?

Lunascape: You mean the icons on menu bar? I might have bad eyesight. .

Me: Okay then. Browser number two, will the eventual stwitch over from the Gecko engine to WebKit -

Flock: It’s not happening.

Me: But TechCrunch said…

Flock: Don’t believe everything you read … unless it comes from a socially acceptable site like Digg or Reddit, of course. I love my family and have no desire of ever leaving.

Me: That’s great, I guess. Browser number three, I have noticed that you can be a bit “slow on the uptake” at times. Why is that?

AOL Desktop: For the last time, I am not slow! I just take my time. Ketchup takes forever to “arrive,” and people don’t complain about that!

Me: Whatever you say. Browser-ette number one, I noticed that by default, the “Lunascape.tv” icon and the “home” icon lead me to the exact same place. Why is that? Am I doing something wrong?

Lunascape: No. LunaTV is actually a news portal for the Japanese market that isn’t available internationally yet. I promise that it will be fixed sooner rather than later.

Me: I appreciate the honesty. Browser number two, couldn’t I get most of, if not all, of the features that you offer through the magic that is Firefox extensions?

Flock: You could, but why? You can either spend hours hunting down extensions and editing the about:config screen, or you could just load me.

Me: Touche.

…And that’s it for today. Be sure to tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of (Our Fair Use Parody of) The Dating Game. This is a writer pretending to be legendary game show announcer Johnny Gilbert saying good night everybody!

…And we’re back. It’s been a little over a week, but I have finally fixed Flock. To say it was a pain in my backside would be an understatement of gigantic proportions. In the past eight days, I have done everything from uninstall the browser to hack the about:config screen, all in a futile attempt to make this browser work as it should. As you can probably guess, my “solutions” didn’t fix squat. If anything, it made things worse. So what did solve my problem, you ask? It turned out that all I had to do was disable my beloved Tab Mix Plus extension. (Sherlock Holmes I’m not.) I already miss it, but I guess I can make it through, as they say. I would much rather have a working browser than the “gray screen of sadness” that I was seeing yesterday. Now that everything is working at peak condition, I can give Flock (and two of its closest friends) the introduction they so richly deserve. Expect to see our “qualified bachelors/batchelorette” get the old “once over”  tomorrow. With that said, here we go. Play me in, Herb!

Browser number one comes to us from San Francisco, California via Tokyo, Japan. She lists her hobbies as multitasking, script writing, and trying to get the leg up on her old rival, Sleipnir. Please welcome everyone’s favorite three in one dynamo, Lunascape!

Meeting people is the ultimate goal for browsers number two. It is said that he is on good terms with all of the top go-getters on the social scene, including Facebook, Twitter, and that lovable loser, MySpace. From the legendary Mozilla family, please welcome Flock!

And finally, we have a browser who is intimately familiar with life on the screen. Some say that his years of experience, as well as his innate ability to be more that “just a browser,” gives him the edge on our show. From New York City, please welcome browser number three, AOL Desktop!

…And now that all three of our lovely browsers have been introduced, it’s time for our questions … tomorrow, of course. (Oh come now. Don’t give me that. Everyone knows that a good host always keeps the audience begging for more.) Be sure to come back tomorrow for part two. On behalf of Brad Fallon and everyone here at (Our Fair Use Parody of) The Dating Game, this is a writer pretending to be legendary game show announcer Johnny Gilbert saying good night everybody!

Sorry gang, but I’m going to have to cut this one short today. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, things (read: Flock) has gotten the best of me. Hey, it happens to the best of us. Even the likes of Steve Jobs and James Bond has had an off decade day or two. Rest assured, we will be back tomorrow. Until then, we bid thee adieu.

Submitted for your approval: In the middle of a peaceful, rain-free suburb in Atlanta, Georgia sits a home. Inside of that home sits a computer. Encoded onto that computer’s hard drive is a web browser. A browser with three distinct personalities. A browser that claims to hold the key to all of mankind’s grandest mysteries. It has the power to turn the Information Superhighway onto its head. It also has the potential to drive even the strongest of men to the edge of sanity and beyond. It is called Lunascape. And it currently exists here, in the Twilight Zone The Free Line Report.

…And thank you Mr. Serling for that wonderfully nightmarish introduction. As it was hinted at above, Lunascape is less of a classic “web browser” and more of a bizarre, drawn-out test of your sanity. Sure, there are many “standard” features available, but they work in some oddball ways. How many of  these features act like this, you ask? I would say about seven. So without further adieu, I present the “Top Ten Seven Weird Things That Lunascape Does on a Regular Basis.“

7: When typing in a text box in a normal browser, “ctrl+B” actives the “bold” typeface. Outside of the text box, it will open up the Bookmarks menu. In Lunascape, however, “ctrl+B” always opens the Bookmarks menu … and there is nothing that I can do to change that.

6: I have two buttons — home and “LunascapeTV.” — that take me to the same exact website.

5: It claims that I can “turn off” the side bar by simply clicking on the drop down menu. I have been clicking on that menu for what seems to be hours now. Nothing is happening.

4: Lunascape’s “small icons” are larger than most browsers “large icons.” As for the large icons … well … let’s just say they have more in common with those gigantic green signs on the Interstate than with traditional browser buttons.

3: If you move the “back” and “forward” buttons to the menu bar, they become menus themselves. Want to turn them back into buttons without hitting the dreaded “reset all” button? Good luck, pal…

2: There is entire menu dedicated to the writing and the implementation of various scripts. Strange, but I like it. (Hey … I never said these would all be bad things.)

1: All of the menus can be edited.

…And there you have it. Be sure to come back on Monday, when I finally give Flock the old once over. Until that time, I bid thee a fond adieu … from the Free Line Report.

Note: Today’s Free Line is designed to be one thing and one thing only: Fun. Expect to see the Free Line back in its normal, quasi-serious state tomorrow. With that said, here we go…

My apologies gang, but we are going to be cutting things a tad short today. Between my well documented problems with Flock, the confusing mess of menus that is Lunascape, and the mandatory swimming lessons that everyone here in North Georgia seems to be taking these days, I am unable to deliver the “literary impact” that I usually provide. Still, that doesn’t mean that I am going to take the day off. Not by a long shot. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a nice round of what I like to call “comparisons 101.” Think of it as a combination of a Barbara Walters interview and the old Dating Game, only, you know, not completely obnoxious.

Question: Okay browsers … If you could be something other than a web browser, what would you be?

Internet Explorer - The greatest hits album of a musician, band, or composer that you absolutely despise. You know it exists and you know that other people like it. You just don’t want to have anything to do with it.

Opera - A complex Alternate Reality Game. It all seems simple enough at first, but there are enough hidden messages and features to keep the user busy pressing buttons and loading things for weeks on end.

Chrome - An over hyped summer movie that ends up not only being terrible, but a gigantic bomb as well.

Safari - A fuel efficient car. It’s practical, easy to use, and just ever so slightly boring.

SeaMonkey – A period piece. Sure, no one actually wants to go back to the time depicted, but it sure is fun to visit from time to time.

Netscape – An episode of Barney Miller. Granted, it might have been great in its day, but it simply did not stand the test of time.

Sleipnir – A short story by Richard Matheson, the man behind such works as I Am Legend, The Incredible Shrinking Man, and several hours of classic TV. Like the bulk of Matheson’s stories, Sleipnir is a terrifying, yet thought provoking, character study of the unknown. It has its good points to be sure, but the sheer terror derived from its very existence is enough to make a man go mad.

Flock – An original Volkswagen Beetle. It’s a great way to get where you want to go … provided that it’s working properly, however.

Lunascape – The vision of Alice in Wonderland described in the classic Jefferson Airplane song “White Rabbit.” It all seems normal enough at first, but eventually, you begin to question the nature of the things around you. By the end, you realize that you are as far away from “normal” as humanly possible … and somehow, you’re okay with that. It’s not perfect, but you can deal with it.

Well gang, it appears that we are heading into the home stretch of The Great Browser Experiment. Before we get to the proverbial climax, I’m going to answer a few questions that you are no doubt having right now.

Weren’t you going to tell us how you ended up fixing Flock today? – I was, but then I ran into a small little problem: I didn’t actually come close to discovering what my problem is yet. It’s going to be a difficult task as well, seeing as how I’m the “Larry Fitzgerald“ of breaking things. Don’t worry about it, however. The explanation, along with a full-on review, will be coming soon. I promise.

You could always skip it, you know… - Why would I want to do that? I actually enjoyed the fifteen seconds I got to use the darn thing and besides, it deserves at least a little bit of love and affection. Internet Explorer and Chrome got that much, and I absolutely hated those browsers.

Okay then. Are you planning to try any of the other browsers out there? – Funny you should ask. In addition to Flock, I will also be trying my hand at the following:

Lunascape – For those unaware, Lunascape is a Japanese browser that allows you to switch between the Trident (Internet Explorer), Gecko (all Mozilla browsers, including Firefox, Flock, and exactly one half of Chrome), and WebKit (Safari, the other half of Chrome). The last time I played around with an “all in one” browser from Japan, I found myself … well … let’s just say that it wasn’t pretty. Here’s hoping that this experience will be different.

AOL Desktop – Yes, that’s right. I am actually going to try to use the browser provided by AOL. To be honest, I had absolutely no idea that this was available to non-subscribers. Despite my own personal feelings about the parent company, I will do my best to keep an open mind. It’s my job to do so, after all.

Avant (Trident) and Orca (Gecko) - Both browsers are based around the same idea: Overlaying an Opera-like interface over a popular rendering engine. Since these two browsers are so similar, I will be reviewing them together.

…After that, we will be calling it a day.

Really? There aren’t any other browsers out there? – There are, but there are a few roadblocks out there.

1. I don’t want to burn myself (or all you) out. Sure, I would love to write about browsers like Wyzo and Maxthon, but frankly, I don’t want to overdo things. Maybe some other time. Twelve browsers are enough for now.
2. I will not look into trying a new browser if it calls for me to load a brand new operating system. I don’t care how great Wikipedia claims NetSurf is. The last thing I feel like doing is building my own Amiga by hand just to try it. (It supposedly can be done. I just don’t want to do it.)
3. I miss Firefox.

…And there you have it. Until tomorrow, I bid thee a fond adieu.

“As I sit here, typing what no doubt will be another award-winning Free Line, I am at once intrigued and baffled by the odd mix of buttons and options that sit just above my text window. One apparently has the ability to “open the blog editor.” Another allows me to “start the photo uploader.” I want to start pressing buttons, but at the same time, I’m kind of scared that I might do something bad. So for now, I am going to my best to cruise on this browser’s basic features. Randomly pressing buttons is something that only an veteran user should be doing, and I’m not to that point … yet.”

I wrote those words yesterday. So can anyone guess what I did today? If you guessed “broke Flock by using a combination of button pressing, loading Firefox extensions, and rummaging through the about:config screen,” you’re right on the proverbial money. I honestly cannot get anything to load, and I have no idea why. Now when I say that I can’t get anything to load, I do mean anything. All I get is a sad gray screen where my precious web content should be. Not even basic pages like the aforementioned about:config screen or an old HTML file saved to my desktop can be viewed.

Yes, I could just delete my profile and start all over, but what’s the fun point in that? I didn’t get to this point just so I can “give up” and play it safe. No, I am going to go through each one of my extensions, even if drives me crazy. Because of this, I am going to be cutting things a bit short. Be assured, however, that this is a one-day thing. Expect to see a full “walk through” tomorrow. Until then, I bid thee adieu.

In the past few weeks, I have been almost everywhere the standard web browser has been willing to take me. I have seen the good (Safari), the bad (Internet Explorer), and the painfully over hyped (Chrome). I have seen the past (Netscape Navigator), the future (Opera), and a misguided, albeit well-meaning, attempt to combine the two (SeaMonkey). I have even suffered through Sleipnir, which is more akin to a Serling-esque tale of psychological horror than a web browser. That said, I have never seen anything quite like Flock. Unbelievable, I know, but bare with me here. It will all make sense in a moment.

I, like many of my generation, grew up on a strict diet of “80’s sci-fi,” a sub-genre so expansive that it could fill an entire book. At its best, an 80’s sci-fi movie is the direct result of when action, futuristic sounding techno babble, and quotable, yet completely over the top, dialog decide to have a picnic together. Who cares if Driving Miss Daisy and Hannah and Her Sisters were nominated for a truck load of awards? Given the choice, I would take classics like Highlander and The Last Starfighter over those films any day. At its worse, well … let’s just say that names like Lou Diamond Phillips, Christopher Lambert, and Don “The Dragon” Wilson tend to show up a lot. Still, all of these movies have one thing in common: Each and every computer has to look downright alien.

Think about it this way: Let’s say for a moment that you are a lone soldier trying to hide a baby from a ruthless cyborg that high-steps like he’s in a high school marching band. You want to find out where the mechanical “drum major of doom” is located, but you just do not feel like looking around the corner. So what do you do? You go on a computer. But not just any computer, mind you. You find one filled to the brim with rounded corners, oddly shaped buttons, and links to other programs that you have never even heard of. Sure, you might not be using any of that now, but it might come in handy someday. Believe it or not, we humans are closer to experiencing the scenario listed above than once thought. Okay … so maybe the scientists are still working on the whole “robotic band director hellbent on destruction” thing. But the “alien computing experience” is here today. It’s called “Flock.”

As I sit here, typing what no doubt will be another award-winning Free Line, I am at once intrigued and baffled by the odd mix of buttons and options that sit just above my text window. One apparently has the ability to “open the blog editor.” Another allows me to “start the photo uploader.” I want to start pressing buttons, but at the same time, I’m kind of scared that I might do something bad. So for now, I am going to my best to cruise on this browser’s basic features. Randomly pressing buttons is something that only an veteran user should be doing, and I’m not to that point … yet.

…And there you have it. Expect to see more about this interesting, “future-perfect Firefox” tomorrow. Until then, I bid thee a fond adieu.

PS: I would also do my best to avoid those musically inclined cyborgs that seem to, pardon the pun, flock around futuristic looking browsers like Flock. After all, there is nothing scarier than an army of Borg drones carrying trombones or a Dalek playing a snare drum.

My apologies gang, but The Great Browser Experiment is going on hiatus for one day. Expect to see Flock covered in detail on Monday. With that said, on with the show!

As long time fans of the Free Line already know, we have what some might call a tenuous, “love-hate” relationship with the folks at Google.While they do indeed do good work, their uncanny ability to play the victim, coupled with the mainstream media’s willingness to simply ignore infractions that would get the likes of Microsoft or Apple hammered, just rubs us the wrong way. While we aren’t fans of blowing smoke up various parts of Google’s person, we will cover their actions and products when the situation warrants it. Today is definitely one of those days. The innovation in question is Noop, a Java-like programming language designed to “blend the best lessons of languages old and new, while syntactically encouraging industry best-practices and discouraging the worst offenses.” For more on Noop, we turn to the Free Line’s resident programming enthusiast, Angela Smedley.

Free Line: So what is Noop, exactly?

Angela Smedley: It sounds like a bunch of geeks got angry [at Java] and decided to make their own language.

FL: So it’s Java.

AS: Not necessarily. Yes, it’s based upon Java and is dependent upon the Java Virtual Machine, but it seems to be more than just “Java part two.”

FL: Oh? Why do say that?

AS: Well, [the documentation] says that I also need to have Ruby installed. A normal Java installation doesn’t need Ruby to get by.

FL: Okay … So what else is different about it?

AS: Noop has three things going for it as of now:

1. Code that is easy to read and understand.
2. Documentation that is never out of date.
3. Simple debugging.

Everything else remains to be seen at this point.

FL: In your opinion, do you think that Noop is out to “replace” Java, or simply be an alternative?

AS: While I think that Google would love to replace it, I don’t think that they can. Java has been out there forever. I think the best that they can hope for is it to be a “specialized” language, similar to what Java was when it first appeared.

FL: Now here’s the $25,000 question: How successful do you think Noop will be?

AS: That is really hard to say. They currently have six people working on the project — the three guys that started it, and the three guys that came in later. Even if they did get more people though, I seriously doubt that it will reach the mainstream like Java did. There are a ton of languages out there. What makes this one any different?

FL: Google, for one.

AS: Google won’t matter. This isn’t something that Google can simply hype like there’s no tomorrow. You just can’t “jump into” a new language like you could jump into Google Office or Gmail. You first have to have at least a cursory knowledge of the programs that the new language is built from — Java, Ruby, etc — before getting into the language itself. That kind of stuff takes some time to learn.

FL: Can Google do anything to advertise Noop?

AS: Make their programmers use it as much as possible. Force them to use it in their major projects, like Chrome OS. If they do that, people will start warming up to it. I don’t see that happening, however.

FL: That you for your time.

AS: Don’t mention it.

As I mentioned yesterday, Seamonkey just didn’t do it for me. If I want the real “Netscape experience” — and I do — I would have to go to the source. And that is exactly what I did.

Note: Don’t try this at home. I do crazy, risky stuff like this so you don’t have to. It’s my job. With that said, here we go:

Netscape 4.8

Release Date: June 1997
Does it work in Windows 7?: Not at all.
How about Windows Vista?: Yes.
Included Programs: WinAmp, RealPlayer, Palm Sync, and an import utility.
Nostalgia Factor: Extremely high here.
Oddities: Before I can actually use the browser, I have to set up a profile. I honestly don’t remember doing this way back when, but that doesn’t make a difference.
Does it work?: In a way…
What Does Work: Basic HTML and Flash.
What Doesn’t: Everything else that you could possibly think of: CSS, any advanced programming language, Yahoo.com … I think you see where this is going.
Is it worth loading?: Sadly, no. It was nice to visit an old classic one more time, however.

Netscape 6

Release Date: November 14th, 2000
Does it work in Windows 7?: Not at all.
How about Windows Vista?: Yes.
Included Programs: RealPlayer 8 Basic, AOL art extensions, Sun Java 2, Net2Phone, AOL Instant Messenger, Stamps.com Internet postage, and an HP printer identifier plugin.
Nostalgia Factor: Moderate. I actually remember using this when it first came out.
Oddities: My Sidebar, a weird little menu that contained everything from a search box to AOL Instant Messenger.
Does it work?: Again, in a way…
What Does Work: While it does support more than Netscape 4.8, but not by much. Some of the sites I went to do come up, but it really isn’t usable.
What Doesn’t: Flash mostly.
Is it worth loading?: Sadly, no. It wasn’t even that much of a nostalgia trip.

Netscape 7

Release Date: August 29th, 2002
Does it work in Windows 7?: Yes.
How about Windows Vista?: Yes.
Included Programs: WinAmp, Vewpoint Media Player, RealPlayer 8 Basic, AOL art extensions, Sun Java 2, Net2Phone, AOL Instant Messenger, Canadian region pack, and an HP printer identifier plugin.
Nostalgia Factor: None.
Oddities: Nothing, aside from the oddball “dark blue” color scheme.
Does it work?:Yes. It’s like if Firefox 1.0 and Netscape had a baby.
Is it worth loading?: No. There really isn’t anything special about this browser.

Netscape 8

Release Date: May 19th, 2005
Does it work in Windows 7?: Yes.
How about Windows Vista?: Yes.
Included Programs: Nothing.
Nostalgia Factor: None.
Oddities: For reasons that I don’t quite understand, Netscape 8 was designed to automatically switch back and forth between the Gecko (Mozilla) and Trident (Internet Explorer). Odd, but I really like it. There is also a “security center” that keeps track of things like ID theft protection and spyware.
Does it work?:Yes. Again, it’s like if Firefox 1.0 and Netscape had a baby.
Is it worth loading?: No, but it isn’t due to a lack of features. It all comes down to one thing: Age. Netscape 8 is simply too old to be useful. I would have loved this browser a few years ago. I wish I would have known about it then.

Netscape 9

Release Date: June 5th, 2007
Does it work in Windows 7?: Yes.
How about Windows Vista?: Yes.
Included Programs: Nothing.
Nostalgia Factor: None.
Does it work?:Yes, although I liked it better under its original name: Firefox 2.0.
Is it worth loading?: Nope. Just load Firefox instead.